Hash 69 - Northeastern Unofficial Red Dress 2004 (NURD) - Albany, NY
Hares: THFKAD & McCavity
Scribes: McCavity, Stand in Hash Scribe and Suck Faster Bitch (Burlington)
New York’s Capital District was in a state of excitement as the cream of the Northeast’s athletic community gathered in dashing red after midday Saturday, 25th April at Waterworks Pub on Central Avenue, intent on representing the fine states of NY, NJ, MA, PA, and VT in athletic endeavor. No finer collection of youthful sporting prowess would converge on Greece for the Olympiad…………OK, who am I trying to kid: a small rabble of Halvemein Hashers with assorted boxes of Haberhashery, chalk and rego forms rushed about the pub attempting to get some organization before a red wave of hungover and travel weary hashers arrived with the twin purposes of grabbing free stuff and grabbing free beer (grabbing free members of the opposite sex, or given the venue, the same sex, would only be encouraged after an adequate dosing with beer).
Our gracious host Dave kindly opened his beer taps to the throng as one or two of his regulars marveled at this bizarre “straight” behavior. Also marveling was the manager of the neighboring “We’ll rip you off if you are poor by renting you stuff you can’t afford at prices no-one could afford, so we can employ idiots and a fat football dude” store who immediately called the police to sort out what he must have spotted for a “Red Dress Pride” rally. Dave again did us proud, and the policeman left happy that this was a straight rather than gay event. I guess these things still matter in Albany. With the day’s only brush with the law averted (though the hares tactfully laid trail on the Plaza only when the security vehicle was at a distance, stopping and looking as nonchalant as two grown men with a bag of sidewalk chalk can as the car cruised by them) the first running of the Northeastern Unofficial Red Dress could begin.
At this point the narrative must continue with the hares (until some pack member can add to this missive) who raced off intent on showing the pack the finest areas of New York’s capital in the “urban shiggy” of Arbor Hill. Trail soon returned to the more salubrious parts of the city with a run across the Empire State Plaza, a circuit of the State Museum and a charge down Pearl Street. With the temperatures soaring, particularly for those in nylon, or who had over accessorized, the sight of the hares ensconced in the Bayou Café with an impressive collection of pitchers was a welcome one.
The hares were also feeling the heat so the next section of trail featured two delightful detours to take in fine views of the Corning Preserve and Hudson River. This may not have been the FRB’s first thought however when they saw the message to Check Back, 6.9 You’ve Been F*cked. Trail now led through Albany’s “picturesque” South End”, up the hill to Governor Georgie P’s place and over to Lincoln Park where the lucky Turkeys would take a direct route to more beer while the Eagles tackled the fabled mountain peaks of South Albany. Whichever way you went however it was HOT, and Valentines appeared to thirsty hashers like a mirage in the desert that is lower New Scotland Ave. From here the less geographically challenged locals knew there was but a short way back to the Waterworks so serious thirsts could be quenched, safe in the knowledge that there was little chance of any embarrassing “I’ve fallen but I can’t get up and I’ve got a red dress on too” incidents. The Boston contingent were particularly enlivened by their appropriately named Red Sox putting another spanking on the hated Yankees.
From here the Eagles were slightly diverted around the west of Washington Park while the rest of the pack progressed in an approximation of a straight line to the finish. Here they would find two waiting kegs, snack foods and a party room, complete with tiny stage and performing pole. PARTY ON!!!
Food was swift in appearing, and quickly spotted by Sperm Bank who knocked over old women and baby carriages in his haste to get to the front of the queue. Unfortunately the contents of his full plate were in a hurry to reach the floor. The tidy and resourceful Sperm, fearing an unsuspecting drunk might skid in his lasagna, dutifully picked up the spilled food and place it out of harms way. But right in the way of the burgeoning queue of hungry hashers, a number of whom were thankful that someone had been considerate enough to leave a snack for those who might have to wait, and thoroughly enjoyed their “full flavored” food.
Once the tables had been cleared with the efficiency of locusts, circle could commence with the traditional organization and subtlety these events are always associated with. Among those honored were our hares THFKAD and McCavity, Our best dressed runner Bodsa (ensuring she and McCavity could sport a fine pair of matching his and hers Waterworks t-shirts for every occasion when the slogan “a great place to ‘come out’ to” would be appropriate), and our “most likely to score either upstairs or downstairs” where High Anus pipped red hot favorite Dr Queer. Most coveted prize of the night was in the ultra competitive race to raise money for the American Heart Association’s “Go Red for Women” campaign where THFKAD had made use of the tasteful provision of an in-bar collection of “toys” for sale to purchase a fine two ended rubber “item” of very generous proportions (good taste prevents this scribe from elaborating more). Touchdown Jesus was the proud recipient of the kind of “toy” no household should be without. By this time it was not just the plentiful dry ice that was fogging the scribes eyes and memory, but from here a virgin was molested, no name Jake was accorded the hash name Pontius Penis, visitors were recognized and the party commenced.
Highlight of the party was some fine displays of pole dancing, with Bodsa causing our host to threaten to “come out” as straight and One Drunk Watching, Dr Queer and THFKAD providing a performance that is surely a classic video for the gay audience. Other behavior will be glossed over as what goes on in the Hash stays in the Hash, though it should be noted that Comes in April is in serious danger of a renaming. Thanks to Dave and the Waterworks staff for putting on a fine night, to all the Halve Mein Hashers who worked hard on the event and to our visitors for supporting our first big hash event.
This is not really a trash, but a mini-trash as told by SFB of various NURD happenings this past weekend in Albany:
Suck Faster Bitch, Urinal Biscuit, and One Drunk Walking drove down to Albany in the SFB mobile to arrive in plenty of time for the Pub Crawl. We stayed at The Hasher Formally Known As Don's with other such wankers as the hot Dr. Queer Medicine Man, the even hotter Bare My Lingus, the sssss-mokin' Jizz Mopper, and other various hashers we all love - Velvit Pelvis, No Vacancy, Cock Climber, Bumble Beaver, Shorn Scrotum, Nipples Erectus, Sponge Bath Square Pants, Floppy Dick and maybe a few others I can't remember since I am probably still drunk.
The infamous Lips-n-Assholes, has officially declared himself NOT a Burlington hasher which is most upsetting - he will drink heavily when he is a "visitor" hare on June 2nd! (Co-hare still wanted!)
We dressed as Super Heroes for the Friday Night Super Hero Pub Crawl, with SFB as a usual fast sucking b*tch only this time wearing a catholic school girl outfit, most Boston wankers who were staying with us dressed as Boston Super Heroes (meaning they had no costumes), THFKAD as a Peter Pan version of the Hulk, and our outrageous Burlington male hashers in the best costumes of the evening (that I could tell, of course there were many other hashers at the Pub Crawl, but at that point I was not looking at costumes, only what is underneath) - oh, that would be One Drunk Walking as an evil cowboy doctor with a mini-One Drunk nurse strapped to his package area and Urinal Biscuit as a Mardi Gras Pimp who got many a lasses to stroke his washboard!
So, we drank with old friends and made many new throughout a Pub Crawl that I only have a sore ass to remember - can't remember getting back to THFKAD's. Other hashers included a very super hero dressed clan from Halve Mein (of course), many more Boston Super Heroes, hashers from Ithaca, Philadelphia, New Jersey (One Drunk's dad was there!), and maybe other places as well, again, this isn't a real trash. Well, some of these hashers may not have been at the Pub Crawl, but they were certainly at the Northeast Unofficial Red Dress Run on Saturday. The weather was lovely, we were all even lovlier in our red dresses, and the ghetto neighborhoods we ran through were probably the lovliest - I don't think I've ever heard so many comments on trail for a red dress and I've been to a few. The run was exceptional, the organization - amazing, the beer stops plentiful, and the on-in - can I say pole dancing?
So, another great weekend of debauchery with SFB, One Drunk, and UB attempting to overachieve a bit (along with the traitor Lips-n-Assholes) and ran the "fat-bot" WICKED SHIGGY trail with the Halve Mein group on Sunday - ending with a very gallant attempt by Urinal Biscuit to steal the HMHHH hash shit - oh, Gafami - we tried!!! But, we failed. We will get it before the summer is through!
Just thought I would take a stab at trashy writing and also thought I would let those who are fans of FEE know that if you go to www.hmhhh.com and scroll through or read the entire Numbskull story (which of course was concluded in Burlington at the Pengin Hash), you will see Fee has made it to another hash website - now that's worthy of a name!
Suck Faster Bitch
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