Hash 87 - Saratoga State Park - Saratoga Springs, NY
Where: Saratoga Springs State Park
Hares: THFKAD & All Holes Hoping
Scribe: Sperm Bank
Your humble scribe, having been undeservedly reelected scribe, decided to start scribing for his New Year's resolution. That said, as your scribe drove up in his convertible with the top DOWN (only half a mind), the first run of 2005 saw snow falling heavily on a full pack. We all remember the days when a cold winter run would turn out only a half dozen, but now fourteen hashers show up for the eighty-seventh running of the hounds. Stinky Queef, Dirtbag, Peace O'Chum, Sperm Bank, McCavity, PopTop, Touchdown Jesus, Pontius Penis, Willie Wanker, Francis, and Francis' virgin-du-jour, Keirsta, eagerly bayed to run the first trail through Saratoga State Park, laid by All Holes Hoping and THFKAD. Laurel and Hardley Running stuck her tongue out even in the 20 degree air.
Dirtbag led exercises with Father Birmingham, the pack tossed down the last few swigs of Labatts, and they were off. The trail began through the historic Hall of Springs with its impressive colonnades and some very slippery marble. The trail was rich in checks, keeping the pack together through the woods until the first song check. A rousing rendition of Shaft of Fire had to be truncated as the pack noted a father and daughter cross country singing nearby. On down the snowy slopes, now about eight inches having fallen. And, by the way, how are sex and snow the same? A woman never knows how much she'll get or how long it will last! The pack wound up and down the creek until they reached the beer check. Touchdown spilled some beer, Sperm Bank quite reasonably lapped it up, and then was unreasonably accused of eating yellow snow.
The second half of the trail was the opposite of the first. Instead of a well marked, nicely checked trot, the pack endured something similar to Valley Forge, had they been in Pennsylvania. Instead, they were in upstate New York, so it was WORSE! The pack fragmented into small groups, running, slipping, gasping through the increasingly deep snow. Checks were forgotten as the FRBs blasted through them following the hares' pawprints. The slower hashers following their tracks put their heads down and trudged over the windswept playgrounds, down deep snow-covered banks, through freezing streams. The FRBs (hopefully) froze their balls off as they waited for the rest of the pack to catch up at the road. And still it was miles through the frozen tundra back to the parking lot with five hashers disappeared in the retreat.
Back at the parking lot, the hares counted running noses and started worrying. Touchdown and Pontious got lost in the whiteout but made it in 20 minutes later. Stinky led a rescue mission in his new SUV to locate Francis and Just Kiersta. Located by their cell phone, they were found a mile away, cheerful and in good health, possibly having just had sex. PopTop insisted on making it in on his own and finished the trail. The pack accounted for, everyone went to AAH's house for the on-on. All Holes had a lavish spread consisting of more beer, lots of pizza, and the parrot's salad. The pack settled in front of the TV to wait for a football game, any football game. Instead, in a worrisome moment, the pack became entranced watching Jack Russell terriers jumping hurdles in the Incredible Dog Challenge. Certainly Laurel had a legimate interest, but one wonders at the bestial interests of the rest. And Willie Wanker, having worn his bright red union suit, was having the moves put on him by AAH's red parrot. The pack wasn't sure what the bird's ultimate intentions were, but to be on the safe side, they were urging, "Cover your nipples, Willie!"
Full of beer and pizza and semi-comatose, THFKAD insisted the pack stand up for circle. THFKAD and AAH took a knee and down-downed for a six mile trail that took almost two hours to run. FRB went to the Queefster, the Queef-Dog, the Stinkman! DAL went to Francis and Virgin Kristen. Touchdown Jesus, looking like an orange traffic cone, down-downed for twenty runs. Francis and Sperm Bank earned Hash Crash for rolling down a hill like pathetic 3 Stooges. Hashit was hotly contested with Chum for taking a stick up the bum, Sperm Bank for eating TouchDown's yellow snow, and Willie Wanker for making a yellow arrow in the snow in someone else's handwriting. But Queef came from out of the blue to not snag it for not having the hashit! [Ed: Sperm Bank won the hashit, and promptly left it behind. Wonder who will get it at the next hash?] The circle ended with Dirtbag doing the traditional serenade of the virgin - Alouette - and Keirsta was a real good sport. THFKAD led the hash in Swing Low and Today is Monday and closed the circle - may the hash go in peace, may the hash get a piece!
Sperm Bank, Hash Scribe
If you have anything to add, send a note to email@example.com.