What: 504th Run
Where: Saratogoa Springs, NY
Who: Dirtbag, Willy Wanker, Moans Aloan, WhoDaFuq, Jizz Hands, Jizzney Gland, Hymen DickedOver, Sexhibitionist, DeciBelle, Tap Dat Ass, Penis Machinist, Super Flaggot, Seizeher Cooch
Hares: JizzKnee Gland / Jizz Hands

Why Hashing is done as a group……..because getting f&^%d in the woods by yourself in the dark is just like masturbating – you get some exercise but are left with a less than elated feeling afterwards. I was so traumatized that it has taken me more than a week to recount (embellish) the details. An example of just such a trail follows.

I read the Hares instructions – your feet might get a little wet but if you stay on trail you wont end up in waist deep water – OK, mental note, this is not the kind of trail I want to bring my phone on.

I responsibly let a couple of pack members know I would be cumming late so please mark the checks for me.

I showed up with a new cranium light about 20 minutes after the pack took off and decided it was a fine night for a run. I followed good marks for a few blocks.

After some trail through woods and on a grand board walk path I ran forward right up a big hill, at top of said hill I commented to myself (because I was the only one there) “Self, what are the chances the actual trail really went up the big obvious hill?” Answer – highly unlikely! I applauded the cunning hares and went back down the hill to find trail had indeed turned on powder – bravo! You got me!

I could hear a dog barking in a near by neighborhood.

After some more running I found a check on a dirt path. A check that had been marked by previous hashers…..on every single side! There looked to be a false in the direction I had cum from – phew! The other sides of the check all had marks that resembled a body limb being dragged in an arrow like motion. Cavemen used sticks to draw in the dirt, apparently the pack was so thirsty and sober they couldn’t find such an implement. I took the most clearly marked side. I found three marks then nothing. I was also so thirsty and sober it took me a while to go back to the check and look in a different direction. When I did I found trail and was back in business!

I could still hear that dog barking.

There was a mountain – taller than a small house - of chipped wood, than was fun (really it was being on marks that was fun). I was feeling good, lost a little time in the woods but I should catch the pack at beer check no problem!

This is the last nice thing I have to say about my night of solo hashing.

The marks led out onto a gravel path that looked down onto two small ponds with a rip rap path between them. AHA! This must be what the Hares were talking about with the feet wet thing! There was a check so I followed it to the right, no marks. OK, trail must go down, nope, no marks. Huh, looked right again, looked down again. Where the hell does trail go?? (Right now some brilliant reader is asking – did you look left?) No, I did not look left and that is in fact the way trail went! While I was down next to the pond I happened to shine my brand new cranium light up to the left and Voila! There was a mark on a tree. I ran around the pond and up the hill into the woods and was rewarded with another mark and another and nothing………….well not nothing, really a wall of pricker bushes. I paced the wall for a few minutes, stopped, listened, I could still hear the dog barking – I’m not that far from start – should I turn back? Nah! I’m a hasher, I’m thirsty, I can do this. I bet this trail was great with a whole group of people looking for marks.

Aha! There is a mark, squeeze through the bushy wall and the marks switch to toilet paper – this is great! On trail again, running through a field of rag weed/ golden rod, the foliage well trampled, beer near should be close right? The foliage then switched to Joe Pye Weed that was as tall as I am. Flour, toilet paper, pollen flying – hashing is fun! I told myself that if I just stopped and thought about it, all of my delays could have been easily avoided if I just took the time to think and I would have caught the pack by now. Time to start thinking smarter! One mark, another, OK, I’m doing great now. Then……………NOTHING. No marks. Two pine trees ahead. No trampled Joe Pye Weed, just me in the middle of a field of the stuff. Think SMART. I walked in circles getting bigger each time but always cumming back to last mark.

No more dog barking.

Go back or keep looking? Once more circle. Where is last mark? AAAAHHHH I lost last mark. How far away am I? Will they find me if the pack cums looking for me? Should I stay put or keep moving? It’s getting cold because I’m not running. UNBELEIVABLE! Look here, a bunch of deer must bed down here regularly. I really hope I don’t spook one and get knocked down by it! That’s it! I am done with this trail. I’m going to pick a direction and walk in it. What is that up on that ridge? A red light from the train tracks! I can get to the train tracks and follow them back to the road near start. I feel good about my decision; I don’t want to be out here all night.

50 feet into the field towards the light and……………flour, toilet paper, I’m back on trail! This is INSANE!! Well, I’m back on trail, might as well stay on it, I might find beer eventually. Across the tracks, into the woods, this looks like a great place for beer, alas, it was just a place where the hares decided to hang the rest of their toilet paper in the trees. AGAIN I search in every direction, AGAIN there is no trail. I’m not messing around here any more. I see a street light through the woods and head for it. Someone’s back yard – please don’t have a motion light or loud dog, I am tired and don’t want to deal with anyone’s s*%t. Out onto the road, which direction should I go? Right this time…………..what the f*(^k! Is that flour!!????? You HAVE GOT to be kidding me! I am back on trail AGAIN! I had resigned myself to being done but how can I walk away from trail if I am on? Where is the beer on this damn trail? Why didn’t I bring my phone? What time is it? Is circle over?

Just a few blocks away I found a cooler, the beer left was crap – of course! The hares haven’t cum back for it yet – that’s a good sign!

Off I go and two blocks later I hit a main road, I am a mile from the start. I don’t care where trail actually goes, I am going back to start. Then I hear screeching tires and a car is flashing its lights at me. Dirt Bag has come to pick up the beer check for the hares; he’s such a thoughtful guy. He shouted across four lanes of traffic that I should get into his car, but I remember when I was a kid I was always told not to take rides from old men – especially those wearing plaid skirts! At this point I needed to warm up again, I want to run as opposed to wandering aimlessly in the woods, I told him I was running the rest of the way and he went back to let the pack know I was found.

As I crested the last hill and could see the fields where the pack was waiting patiently I passed one of those speed alerts that tell you how fast your going compared to the actual limit. When I got close enough the screen lit up! 39 in a 35! I was flying!!!! I heard the pack cheering and calling my name. Piggy reportedly said “That’s not Moan’s – its someone on a bike” I arrived at circle to comments like “We were all thinking how much this trail would have sucked running it alone” and “How cum you didn’t take your phone?”

The moral of the story? Hashing, like many other activities that involve drinking and nakedness, is more fun with friends

Yours Ridiculously,
Moans Aloan

If you have anything to add, send a note to pf@hmhhh.com.